As of November 28^th, I am officially two years sober. That is two years without a sip of alcohol. Not a one-off beer or a sneaky sip of wine. Not a champagne toast on New Years or a Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day. I never in a million years thought I would be able to say this, and I definitely never expected to say that with enthusiasm! Sobriety is a never-ending journey and I keep learning more and more the longer I stay sober. Today I wanted to talk about my first year of sobriety compared with my second year of sobriety. While the whole journey has been exciting and eye-opening, there are definite differences in my mental state, how I handle things, and my overall stance on a lot of topics.

The urge to drink

My first year of sobriety was spent counting days and weeks and months of not drinking. I downloaded an app and joined an online sober community and I truly needed all those things as an outlet and a reminder of why I am choosing not to partake. I was physically uncomfortable in scenarios where I would normally drink, AKA everywhere 😉. I had to actively talk myself out of not buying wine after a hard day at work. When we went out to eat, I would normally order a non-alcohol beer or a mocktail of some kind to make me feel like I was drinking something fancy. Weddings, birthday parties, and holidays felt like the Olympics of hard decisions and white-knuckling the urge to not say “fuck it” and dive into the wine. It was on my mind constantly, whether I was excited and proud of myself for my abstinence or I was questioning why the hell I was doing this again. The urge was there and the cravings were strong, and some nights I had to go to bed early or find some kind of activity to distract myself so that I didn’t drink. I was SO FUCKING LUCKY that Korey did the first year with me so I didn’t have to deal with alcohol being in the house or watching the most important person in my life drink in front of my face. I think I could have done it, but I think it would have been 10x harder if I constantly had temptation in my face or refrigerator.

My second year of sobriety seems like it came and went in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t really counting days anymore. In fact, I actually overlooked my two-year soberversary by a couple of days because I just forgot! I am still a part of the same online community mentioned above and try to respond to others reaching out for support/help when I am able. I also post around milestones to try to inspire others in the group, but I am not as active as I was during that first year. I don’t feel like I need the constant support and reinforcement that I did that first year. I feel comfortable in social situations and scenarios where I would have normally been drinking. I can watch other people drink without having the urge or the craving to want one myself. Oftentimes when we go out to dinner, I get a soda or water rather than the mocktail or non-alcoholic beer that I used to get. Not to say that those aren’t great options and that I don’t order them sometimes, but I feel much more comfortable just ordering water now without feeling like I am missing something. Where special occasions used to be the hardest for me, I now welcome the occasions and find even more comfort in my sobriety during these events. I love being able to offer to drive friends home, enjoy something to its full extent, and know that I am going to wake up the next morning remembering every moment and feeling refreshed. Korey has had a few drinks since that first year, but has literally probably only drank on 3-4 occasions, none of which got him drunk. He never drinks in front of me, never buys it or has it in the house, and really has no desire to drink himself. None of this is because of my requests/demands or my comfort level, he has just seen the same benefits as me in sobriety and wants them for himself as well.   

Social situations

My first year of sobriety was very, very, very hard for me socially. Now my friends or family reading this may disagree or think it was easy. That’s because I am very good at hiding my real feelings, I am a people pleaser, and I never wanted anyone to feel any discomfort because of me. I really spent that first year feeling like this was my doing and my responsibility to take care of, and I wasn’t ever going to ask anyone to not drink or to change how they would normally behave because of me. I felt like I needed to “tough it out” and put myself in uncomfortable situations in order to make it through. I spent a lot of time at parties or dinners or events feeling like I wanted to literally crawl out of my skin. The smell of a glass of red wine or the reflex to “cheers” a shot was so overwhelming sometimes that I had to physically leave and go to the bathroom or go outside for some fresh air. I realized that I had spent the last 20 years bonding with people over alcohol and really didn’t feel like I had any actual social skills at all when the alcohol was stripped away. I had a hard time having conversations with people, making eye contact with people, and just existing in a social situation without the crutch I had been leaning on for so long.

My second year of sobriety was spent re-learning those social skills that I spent the first year of sobriety realizing I was missing. I started having real and genuine conversations with people, rather than blackout small talk that no one would remember the next day. I learned about people’s families and jobs and hobbies and likes/dislikes. I am talking about people I have known and considered close friends/family for YEARS that I realized I didn’t know anything about deeper than surface level. I won’t lie, I still feel slightly awkward at the beginning of an event when the drinks are being offered and everyone else’s drinking begins. I won’t say it’s hard for me, but I still cringe a little when I know someone is pulling out the seltzer waters or sodas from the back of their fridge for me that hasn’t been touched in six months 😉. I can dance at a wedding or a party without feeling like I forgot how to move my body. I can make small talk with strangers without feeling like I need to immediately retreat before someone makes eye contact with me. And most importantly, I can leave when I fucking want to. I arrive at social events, enjoy them the way they are meant to be enjoyed, and leave to go home to my bed. It sounds so simple, but it’s something I struggled with for so long.

Talking about it

I didn’t know how to talk about my choice to not drink during that first year. I had successfully done non-drinking challenges like Dry January or Sober October before and for some reason that was socially acceptable, so I kind of relied on the “challenge” aspect when I told people why I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t know how long I would go without drinking and I didn’t want to draw any lines in the sand in terms of specific goals or labels, so I just stuck with “I am trying to go a year without drinking.” I told people that I knew what my life looked like with alcohol in it, so I wanted to commit to a year without it to see what my life looked like in that light. I didn’t talk to anyone other than probably Korey and my parents and a few close friends about my real struggles with my relationship with alcohol – my pride wouldn’t let me wear that badge quite yet. So I kept it light, kept it chill, and simply told people that my hangovers were getting worse and I wanted to try to go a year without it. The conversations didn’t go any deeper than that. I kept it surface level because I was scared to commit to anything or to seem like a failure if I ended up drinking again.

I made my first post on social media on my first year soberversary. This was the first time I had gone “public” talking about my experience with giving up alcohol. The response I got was overwhelming to say the least. I had so much support and loving comments from those in my life, both people close to me and acquaintances that I hadn’t talked to in some time. I also had many people message me directly, letting me know how much my story resonated with them and that they were inspired to examine their own relationship with alcohol. I was so humbled and excited by the response to my sharing a teeny tiny tidbit of my story that it planted the seed in my head that maybe my story needed to be shared in more detail. Six months later, I made my first Shimmer & Shame blog post and have been writing weekly posts since then with the intention of sharing my story with others. The feedback I have had on the blog has been incredible and nothing but positive and supportive. Any time I have someone reach out to me to let me know that a post resonated with them or to tell me that I have inspired them in some way to examine their relationship with alcohol or given them the courage to try to cut back on their alcohol consumption, I know I am doing the right thing. I went from being scared to admit my sobriety to writing openly about my struggles and story in a short amount of time, and I am so glad I have.

My thoughts on alcohol in general

That first year of sobriety was filled with a lot of confusion and shame related to my relationship with alcohol. When I first started out, I hadn’t done a ton of research on alcohol or sobriety, so I was very much of the mindset that I was the problem. I had something wrong with me and that’s why I couldn’t handle alcohol the way it was meant to be handled. I felt small and inadequate and like I wasn’t a strong enough person to be able to handle this fun, delicious beverage. I was sad when I thought about not having alcohol in my life anymore because it had brought me so many fun times. I spent the first year of sobriety immersing myself in Quit Lit (literature about quitting alcohol), sobriety podcasts, and online sober communities. I originally dove into these resources for help with strategies for quitting, but what I found was so much more.

I spent the second year of my sobriety trying to share with people what I had learned in my first year of sobriety related to alcohol and the concept of sobriety as a whole. To put it bluntly, alcohol is poison and there is no “safe” or “responsible” way to enjoy alcohol. Women addicted to alcohol die, on average, 20 years sooner than those not addicted to alcohol. Women who drink more than an average of four drinks daily quadruple their changes of dying from heart disease and are five times more likely to have a stroke. Women who drink three drinks per week have a 15% higher chance of developing breast cancer. When I started to learn about the actual dangers and health issues caused by alcohol, it truly changed my entire outlook and made me view things in a completely different way. I was no longer sad or felt like I was missing something by not drinking. I went from mourning alcohol to being completely disgusted by the thought of it. It is actually crazy how much things have swung for me in all honesty. I HIGHLY, HIGHLY suggest reading the book “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace if you want to learn more about the truth behind alcohol. I am not exaggerating when I say this book changed my life and made this whole experience so much EASIER when I was able to shift my mindset related to it.

My view of the future

As I discussed above, I spent the first year of sobriety with no goal other than to get through a one year “challenge.” I was terrified of any long-term thoughts. I couldn’t comprehend what my life would look like in the long-term without alcohol, so I wouldn’t let myself think about it and just kept my head down and focused on getting through that first year. When people would ask me what my plan was after the year was over, I refused to commit to anything. Even after I realized I was feeling really good and started learning about the actual health threats related to alcohol, I still couldn’t bring myself to think much further into the future. I was focused on taking everything a day at a time and I honestly still suggest this to anyone. The future is a scary place to think about sometimes, whether in regard to alcohol or anything else, so try to live in the present and take everything a day at a time.

I never see myself drinking alcohol again and I can now confidently say that. The thought of living a life without alcohol doesn’t scare me the way it used to. I have experienced so much joy and adrenaline and laughter and adventure and emotions without the use of alcohol, which I genuinely didn’t think was possible without alcohol two years ago. I feel very stable and sure of my decision to not drink, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I have so much proof and evidence of what a life without alcohol can give to me and my family that I don’t see any reason I would ever want to re-introduce it. The risk is too high, and the reward is non-existent.

I am 100% confident that my views and experiences in all the categories above will continue to evolve and change as I head into my third year of sobriety and beyond. I can’t wait to come back here and compare how I was feeling at year two with how I will feel at year three, four, five, ten, twenty, fifty, etc. The process of getting and staying sober is an exciting, life-changing, and eye-opening experience that I am still enjoying every day. PLEASE don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions, need any support, or just need a listening ear. I am here all the time for anyone and everyone who needs help navigating this experience.

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