I am absolutely mortified to admit this, but I used to judge the shit out of people who don’t drink. When we were in a social situation and someone wasn’t drinking, I immediately wrote them off, stopped listening to anything they were saying, pretty much made up my mind to not even give them the time of day. I didn’t ask questions; I didn’t even wonder why. I kind of just removed that person from my realm of existence. Basically, I was an asshole. The one exception to this is my dad and I really have no explanation as to why. My dad quit drinking before I was born, and I guess to me he was the one exception to every rule. He was exciting and smart and adventurous and social, and I never viewed him in the same lens that I did as other sober people. I guess because he’s my dad… he’s always in a different category than any other human 😉.

Now I have flipped the script, and I am the person who doesn’t drink. Most people I interact with are incredibly supportive, have tons of questions, and are engaging overall. But I have also experienced the people who write me off, don’t listen to what I have to say, and clearly have no use for me in their conversation or their lives. It sucks and it’s hurtful and it’s maddening, but it’s also okay. Sadly, I’ve been that person, and I think I have started to understand why some people are so averse to sobriety and people who don’t drink. I am sorry for the way I have judged people in the past and as part of my apology, I will include some pictures here of my not so sober days 😉.

I think the reason we judge sober people so harshly ultimately boils down to three main reasons.

1. The intimidation factor – many people who drink heavily or are struggling with their relationship with alcohol are very intimidated by sober people. For me, I couldn’t even fathom how someone could handle themselves in a social situation without a dose of liquid courage. Also, sober people will remember everything and catch-on to things that others may not. Oftentimes, if you’re in a group of people who drink heavily, you can rely on most people not remembering every detail of the evening and that takes some of the pressure off you if you tend to make a fool of yourself. If everyone else around you is falling down and slurring their words and taking their clothes off and screaming profanities, then you fit in and feel comfortable. Throw someone in that mix who is sober and the folks acting crazy immediately feel judged or like there is someone there who may have evidence of their behavior. It’s an uncomfortable feeling and I get it.

2. The assumptions we make – I never even considered that someone would stop drinking just because they wanted to. I assumed if you were sober, it was because you either a) were an alcoholic, or b) never started drinking in the first place. I could normally tell by looking at someone which of those categories they fell into. Those who I labeled as the “A” word likely had some kind of reason they had to stop drinking and that was CLEARLY different than me. In my mind, these people had lost a job, cheated on their spouse, lost their kids, stolen from their parents, killed someone while driving drunk, or something worse. Those in the second category were the ones I considered “boring.” If you never started drinking it’s probably because you weren’t invited to the fun parties in high school. You probably stayed home and drank tea and did puzzles on Saturday nights in college (this now sounds DELIGHTFUL by the way 😉).

3. The “value” we assign to people – I was constantly searching for someone to drink as much or more than me. On a night out, my goal was to find the person in the group who would say yes to all the shots I wanted to take. I was always the one buying rounds of shots for the group. I would corner my dependable buddies who I knew would always say yes to one more drink, a shot, smoking a cigarette, or staying up an hour later. I was drawn to them because they enabled me to keep making the decisions I was making and made me feel normal for it. Sober people are not that. I think in my mind I subconsciously knew that sober people weren’t going to support my debauchery and therefore I felt like they brought nothing to the table. I was such a slave to the alcohol that it’s all I cared about and anyone not in the same category as me, I didn’t have space for.

Look, I know all of this sounds terrible. I am not proud of my thoughts or the judgements I placed on people. I am embarrassed and ashamed but acknowledging them has helped me understand others better and move past the stigma of sobriety. I now know when I tell someone I am sober and I immediately see their eyes glaze over, it’s a “them problem,” not a “me problem,” and that makes it hurt a little less. I was a bit narcissistic when it came to my drinking, and I know that now. Writing this is my way of apologizing to anyone who ever felt discarded by me. My bad.

If you’re sober reading this, this is your reminder that you’re not boring, you are badass. That is going to make some people feel uncomfortable and that’s okay. Keep rocking anyway.

If you’re not sober and reading this and treat sober people with kindness and respect, you are also badass. Keep doing what you’re doing. Thank you for your support and understanding. We need you. If you’re not sober and reading this and any of the things I wrote about above sound like they may apply to you, it’s okay. Try to acknowledge it, accept it, and actively change it. Maybe next time you’re around someone who doesn’t drink you can ask them about something not drinking related rather than trying to get out of the conversation as soon as possible. We’re not judging you for your drinking habits so don’t judge us for our non-drinking habits. We’re not going to take videos of you doing some sketchy shit and post them on the internet. We have other things to focus on other than just your drinking and your decisions.

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