There’s been a trend in recent years of moms drinking wine as a way to cope with the stress of parenting. You may have heard the term “mommy wine culture,” and this is exactly the trend it’s referring to. Mommy wine culture has been prevalent on social media and other marketing strategies, targeting stressed out or overwhelmed moms and making it perfectly acceptable to self-medicate with alcohol to ease their pain. It’s become so common that you may not even recognize it when you see it – I see minimum 10 memes or posts promoting this idea every time I open social media. I recently saw one that said “the most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.” You’ve seen the coffee cups or water jugs with sayings like “mommy’s sippy cup,” “this may be wine,” or “this is probably vodka.” The t-shirts saying “they whine, I wine” or “mommy needs her wine” or “this mom runs on coffee, wine, and Jesus.”  There’s this idea that moms need alcohol to get through the day with their kids and to get through the everyday stresses of life. I didn’t even notice when this culture roped me right in and now that I see it for what it is, it fills me blinding rage. I understand that the underlying message here ultimately comes from a desire to validate moms and that by saying things like “mommy needs wine,” we are attempting to say “being a mom is really fucking hard.” BUT the mommy wine culture trend is perpetuating this idea that drinking alcohol is the only answer, which is FAR from the truth and causes so much more harm than good.

So, what’s the problem with Mommy Wine Culture anyway?

1. First and foremost, it’s making light of a more serious issue related to the mental health needs of caregivers. Being a mom is hard fucking work. I don’t care if you’re a stay-at-home mom, a part-time working mom, or a full-time working mom. There is no variety of motherhood that is easy. Moms who stay home with their kids are often not only expected to stay home with the kids and keep them alive all day long, which is ENOUGH of a job in itself, but also feel added stress and pressure to arrange every day with the perfect ratio of social activities, arts and crafts, learning, naps, food, and play time. Then on top of that, SAHMs are often expected to keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, make ALL the appointments, plan and create the perfect meals, and be the emotional backbone of the family. Then you have full-time working moms. They have the pressure of picking the perfect daycare/nanny/school for their baby and then have to spend all day, every day feeling guilty for paying someone else to take care of their kids. On top of the immense guilt for sending their kids to daycare, they are expected to be 100% available to their employer when they are at work – emotionally, mentally, and physically. They spend their entire day stressed out about whatever work challenges they are presented with and then are expected to turn that off and put on their “mommy” hat as soon as they walk in the door from work. They have to learn to compartmentalize their lives because you can’t be a mom at work or an employee at home. They often feel “not good enough” in all aspects of their life because they can’t give 100% of themselves to anyone. They are left feeling guilty for not being the present mom they want to be OR the productive employee they want to be. Many moms are drinking to avoid what is really going on in their lives, such as depression or anxiety. Drinking may become a way to escape all the emotions that come with everything I just explained – feeling overwhelmed, never good enough, always pulled in too many directions, and failing at all the things.

I know this because I WAS THIS. My career has always been important to me. Before I was even pregnant, we always knew that I would be a working mom. I made good money, I enjoyed my job, and it was important to me to keep that version of myself after I became a mom. We picked a daycare that was only about a mile from my office. This gave me security that if anything went wrong or if my baby got sick, I could leave the office and be there in record time. I even went to daycare on my lunch break for the first few months to breastfeed. Nothing could prepare me for what it meant to work full time and be a mom. The rollercoaster of emotions that came with sending my baby to daycare for the first time. Attempting to continue to pump and/or breastfeed during the day to keep my milk supply up. Having to leave work when my kid was sick and needed to be picked up early. Missing calls from daycare because I was in an important meeting. Having to stop working in the middle of a groove to get to daycare before they closed. Feeling guilty for being the last mom at daycare to pick my kid up. I could go on and on and on and on and on with examples of how impossible the balance is. I relied HEAVILY on alcohol to escape my feelings of not being enough to anyone. I felt like a shitty employee, a less-than present mom, and a crappy housekeeper 100% of the time and my nightly glass of wine allowed me to de-stress, escape, and check out for just a second. It felt good to get the break that I couldn’t get during the day. Except that gradually, that nightly glass of wine became two glasses of wine. And then three. And then a bottle. I indulged even more on the weekends because I was celebrating getting through another week. The answer I needed wasn’t alcohol. The answer I needed was self-care, exercise, meditation, good food, communicating my needs with my partner, and healthy boundaries.

2. It’s masking what could be a more serious issue with alcohol dependence and preventing millions of moms from taking the steps needed to get help or cut back on their alcohol intake. If every message we are receiving is that this is what we are supposed to do, we keep doing it. Seeing countless memes, T-shirts, coffee mugs, candles, tote bags, greeting cards, bumper stickers, movies, TV shows, songs, influencers, and our own family and friends doing something repeatedly, reinforces the idea in our brains that this is the thing to do. Some of these messages are so subtle we don’t even know they’re there. Think of any TV show or movie. If there is a stressed-out mom, she will be accompanied by a glass of wine. If everywhere we look is an example of someone else doing the same thing we are doing, then we don’t look for alternatives. We just assume that what we are doing is normal and we should keep doing it. We don’t have any evidence to the contrary.

PLEASE let me be your evidence to the contrary. I remember having this gut feeling that something wasn’t quite right. For YEARS. I think maybe I was pre-disposed to the idea of alcohol dependence because my Dad quit drinking before I was born and although my parents never told me not to drink, they constantly reminded me that my Dad had a tricky relationship with alcohol and that genetics told us that I probably would too. I am so thankful for that, because if I didn’t have that tiny voice or idea in the back of my mind, I may have never seen my situation for what it was. There were no other clues. I constantly took inventory of my surroundings to see if I was noticeably different than anyone else. The answer was no. I was doing all the same things my friends and society were doing. Hell, if I could buy a T-shirt or a water bottle boasting about my wine intake, then surely there was nothing to be ashamed of. But I had this nagging feeling every time I poured my glass of wine at the end of the day that maybe this wasn’t the answer. I ignored it and quite literally drowned it with wine for years, but I know it was always there. Now that I am out of that cycle and I’ve come out on the other side, I can see it for what it is. It took lots of books, podcasts, documentaries, etc. for me to see mommy wine culture in the light of day. Here are two of my favorite books.

3. It’s sending a message to our kids that parents need to drink in order to “deal” with them or stressful situations. Our kids see and hear EVERYTHING we do. If every time we are visibly upset or stressed, we reach for a drink, that is what they learn. This is perpetuating the cycle of unhealthy coping mechanisms. If this is what they grow up seeing as normal, then what are they going to do when they get to high school and they’re stressed about football tryouts or their algebra exam or asking their crush to homecoming? “Well when my parents are stressed out, they have a beer, I should probably do the same thing.” Let’s stop the generational cycle here. We have the opportunity to show them something different. We don’t have to preach to them about the dangers of alcohol or be the sticks in the mud that everyone associates with sober people. We can simply show them that they can deal with life without a substance by doing it. They learn by watching what we do.

I will never ever forget the time that Fischer had to draw a picture of his family at school and he drew me with a glass of wine in my hand. He even knew what it was – when I asked him what was in my hand he said “your wine.” Womp womp. Now we make a conscious effort to do FUN SHIT with our kids, without alcohol. I don’t want our kids to ever think that you have to have alcohol to have fun or to de-stress. They see us living our best lives and not needing alcohol to enjoy it. They also see us stressed the fuck out and dealing with that without alcohol too. I am thrilled to report that now when Fischer draws pictures of our family, the only identifying factor for me is my bun 😉.

I think with enough support and education we can break away from this whole concept of “mommy wine culture.” If you feel like any of this speaks to you or you’re interested in making some changes, there are a few actionable first steps. Things like socializing without alcohol, researching/educating yourself on the topic, taking a break from social media, practicing regular self-care, and asking for help are a few good options to start with. I am an open book and always open to chatting directly if you want to reach out!

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