Tale of a People Pleaser

Right out of college, I ended up taking a job in Kansas City, MO. I moved across the country completely alone and started this life for myself in a completely foreign place without knowing a single soul. This may seem like no big deal for some people, but for a small-town girl who was an only child, considered her parents her two best friends on the planet, had a very tight group of local girlfriends, and a long-term boyfriend, this was very out of character and about as risky a decision I could have possibly made. I took the job because it was an incredible offer from an incredible company, and I knew if I didn’t do it I would always regret it. 

This experience gave me a great start in my career, and I met a ton of incredible people during the almost two years I was there, one of whom I still consider my “friend soul mate” to this day. I will be forever grateful for that, but it was HARD. I spent so many nights my first few months crying myself to sleep thinking “what in the actual fuck have I done? Everyone I know and love is 1,200 miles away!”

I couldn’t get back home very often due to the fact that I had no money and what money I did have I had to spend on happy hour, clothes, bars, and clubs. Naturally. When I did make it home, I was pulled in many directions. Every second of every day was carefully and strategically planned out so I had the perfect mix of time with friends, family, and my boyfriend. Even this time I had, doing my favorite things with some of my favorite people, I felt stretched too thin. I never had time to just sit and relax because I was so busy making sure I was checking all the boxes – going all the places I needed to go and seeing all the people I needed to see. You know, pleasing everyone other than myself… I would always come back from those trips feeling more overwhelmed and stressed than when I left. I was always putting other people’s expectations and feelings before my own. 

My point in telling this story is that I have never been great at prioritizing myself or my feelings or my wants/needs. Give me conflicting projects or clients at work. Give me balancing a social calendar. Give me a kids schedule of extra-curriculars to balance with school and sleep and down-time. I can handle it all. But my own desires or self-care? Can’t do it. 

Correction – couldn’t do it. This is something I have been working really, really hard on over the past two years. It takes a ton of self-reflection, setting of boundaries, candid conversations, and a hell of a lot more saying “no” than I have ever been comfortable with. 

It is possible to re-prioritize your life and to put your mental and physical health first. It’s not too late to shift your strategy and your approach to your life, no matter how old you are. It just takes practice! 

Here’s a few pics of me as a baby in KC, priorities in-tact and all 😉

6 Steps for Re-Prioritizing Your Life

1. Identify the ‘Biggies.’ If there are any big and obvious areas of your life that you are struggling in, you probably have an inclination of what they are, and this is where you should start. Maybe you’re in a terribly unhappy marriage. Maybe you’re stuck in a place where you don’t feel at home. Maybe you’re in a job that makes you want to cry every morning when you open your eyes. For me, my biggie was alcohol. I knew alcohol was playing too big a role in my life and I knew I needed to tackle this huge red flag before I could make any progress in any of the other areas. 

Identify the biggie and tackle it. The hardest part is admitting what this is because we live in denial for so long, scared to admit when something doesn’t fit or feel right in our life. Once you acknowledge what it is, work to fix it. This likely won’t be a quick fix and may take months or years to slay, but I promise you that once you slay this big dragon, everything else on this list will seem like a cakewalk. 

Also important to note here – some of you may not have a biggie! Don’t work to find one. If there’s nothing that sticks out to you or makes your heart sting a little, don’t force one. Congrats on being one step ahead!

2. Make a list of your current priorities. Take some time and be careful with this one, because many times what we think our priorities are don’t actually align with our daily habits. For example, your first instinct may be to say that one of your current priorities is exercise, but in reality, you haven’t worked out in two weeks. One good way to identify your actual current priorities is to make a list of all the things you do every day for a week. Anything you do at least three times a week you should consider a priority. Once you’ve got your list, group them into categories that make sense. 

For me, before revamping my life, my priority list would have looked something like this: work, family, going out to eat, alcohol, and television. Don’t take any shame in your current priorities. They are what they are, and you can’t change them until you know what they are.

3.  Make a list of what you’d like your priorities to look like, your desired priorities. Think about the type of person you want to be. This isn’t the time to think of things that you feel like you SHOULD want to do, this is the time to think of the things that light you up and make you feel like the you that you are meant to be. If you don’t believe in God, don’t put faith on your list of desired priorities. Think about things that you wish you had time for, but life seems to always get in the way so you can’t do it. There are some items that will be natural here, things like work or family. But there should also be other things, the things that make you YOU. Writing, photography, music, dancing, or painting are a few good examples. 

My desired priorities list would look something like this: work, family, nutrition, fitness, writing, reading, meditating, and trashy reality television. 

4. Compare your current vs. desired priorities. List your current priorities next to your desired priorities and see where there are similarities and differences.

• Anything that’s on both lists put a “!” next to
• Anything that is on the current list but not on the desired list put an “X” next to.
• Anything that is on the desired list but not on the current list put an asterisk (*) next to.
• Here’s an example using my examples from above:

Current Priorities		Desired Priorities
Work	!	Work	!
Family	!	Family	!
Going out to eat	X	Nutrition	*
Alcohol	X	Fitness	*
Television	!	Writing	*
		Reading	*
		Meditating	*
		Trashy reality TV	!

5.  Make an action plan. Review your list of new desired priorities (the items with the *) and make a plan for how you can realistically incorporate these into your life on a daily basis (or at least a few times per week to start with). This plan should be very specific and actionable. Most people will likely have some current priorities with an X that they don’t want to focus on moving forward, so re-purpose some of that time for your new desired priorities. Using my example above, when I cut out my few-nights-a-week-wine habit, I had so much more time for writing and reading. This won’t be a 1:1 ratio so don’t feel like you can only add one desired priority for each current priority you’re getting rid of. 

Here’s an example of an action plan:

• Nutrition – spend 1 hour on Sundays planning meals for the week and making a grocery list. Get groceries on Sunday night. Stick to the meal plan I created throughout the week. 
• Fitness – Block off one hour on my calendar every day during the week to work out. Mon/Wed/Fri I will ride the Peloton for 30 minutes. Tues/Thurs I will go to a Yoga class. 
• Writing – Talk to my husband and agree on one night during the week when he can be on “single-dad duty” so I can spend a few hours writing. 
• Reading – Go to bed 30 minutes earlier than normal and spend those 30 minutes reading a book in bed before going to sleep.
• Meditating – Set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier every day and meditate before I even leave the bedroom.

6.  Track your progress and adjust your action plan. Each week review your action plan and write down what worked well and didn’t work well. If your time block for exercise didn’t work because your asshole co-worker kept scheduling meetings over your time block, maybe consider waking up earlier to squeeze your workout in in the morning before you start work. If your meal plan worked well for you but your kids complained all week about the dinners you had planned, maybe include them in the meal planning next week so they have a meal they picked to look forward to. 

The trick here is to continuously review and adjust your action plan until your desired priorities become your current priorities. Rather than hitting an obstacle and making an excuse as to why you can’t possibly find the time to meditate, try to come up with a new, creative solution. 

In Conclusion….

The truth is that you will prioritize the things that are important to you. The first step is figuring out where you’re at and then you can take some logical steps to re-prioritize in order to meet your current goals. If something is truly important to you, you will make the time for it. I am hoping the steps I outlined in this post will give you some tangible next steps to make some meaningful changes and pivots in your life. 

If you liked what you read today, you should check out my Wellness Plan Daily Checklist. I created this checklist based on a few of the most important items I think are crucial to prioritize in order to WIN the day, every day, from both mental and physical health perspectives. 

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